I recently read an article about being a victim and the power attached to it and it made me question my need to explore the past again. Do I really need to work through it? Is this a crutch or an excuse to not move forward in my life?
After spending a couple of days thinking it through, I don't think it is. The last time I explored my childhood in therapy was 10 years ago. The therapist I had at the time told me I need to get over it. To not think about it or dwell on it. To live in the here and now. Most of the time I do. Sometimes the amount of energy it takes to push it down is overwhelming. I believe I have to release this energy somehow. I feel great sadness much of the time. Lately it leaks out of me at the worst of times. I am just not able to hide it anymore.
I will be seeing a new therapist who has been trained in trauma release. I don't have to get into the nitty gritty details. I just need to get the tools I need to work through the scars and turn them into lessons. That what happened to me was not because of who I am as a person. I try to stop the stories in my head. I recognize them a lot more often. I had a good day today. The kids were home from school and we all went out together to run some errands and have a little ice cream treat. I did some more work in the garden and did a little cleaning around the house. I did not obsess (much) over numbers in my accounts or how long I will have to wait for the insurance payments to start up again.
It was a light day and I am grateful for that.
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